What's Holding Me Back?

I hope that after reading this, I don’t turn people away from coming back =). Have I scared you already? Haha! Do you ever feel like you’re in a rut; emotionally, physically, spiritually? Ever since our move, I have been in a rut, emotionally more than anything.  And one of the things that added to that stress was that I have the hardest time asking for help. What is holding me back from asking for help? I have done a lot of thinking and soul searching about this, and I have come up with some reasons.

I am determined to put on “the face”. I have everything under control, I am happy with who I am, I have no issues, and I am Wonder Woman.

I have no trouble coming to the aid of those who are in need but when it comes to my own struggles, I am stubborn and prideful.

I am afraid that I will be seen as weak if I don’t have everything together.

I don’t want anyone to second guess my happiness or think I second guess my choice to be a stay-at-home mom.

Now I just need to figure out how to get past these thoughts and insecurities.

One thing that I need to remember is that having weaknesses, doesn't make me a weak person. Also, I firmly believe that even the strongest people have had times where they may have doubted themselves and their abilities. We are all on a journey, and I can adapt and adjust.

My goodness, that was way too deep and gritty =) Let’s move on to the updates on my sweet family.

Olivia is thriving in primary. She has made a cute little friend who saves her a chair next to him each week. She has also informed us that she loves him and that he is beautiful =) I really hope this isn’t too much of an indicator as to how she’ll be in 10 years or so.  Haha! Kindergarten registration starts next month, and I am blown away at how fast the years have flown by. Our school district here just passed something that means there is only full-day available. I don’t know how I feel about this, and am concerned at how Olivia will adjust to it. She hasn’t adjusted well to changes in the past and so we are exploring our options (crossing districts, pulling her after lunch each day, etc.) but I know we’ll be guided and get the right answer that will be best for her and our family. She can almost recognize each letter in the alphabet now but still mixes up J and K when she sings the alphabet, which she sings every time Anne starts to fuss, and it must work because Anne stops crying as soon as she hears her. She is still a fantastic oldest sister and watches out for Anne and Jane and loves to make them laugh. She is exploring her emotions and how best to show them, especially when she’s mad; lately, it consists of stomping upstairs to her room or out to the playroom and requiring everyone to “leave me alone to be mad.” She has turned into a perfect tattle-tale and does it with such a grown-up attitude that it’s hard for us to steer her away from it. She loves making up songs and singing them to her many animals and throughout her many adventures. Frozen’s “Let It Go” is an ultimate favorite.

Jane-oh Jane =) Speaking of working through emotions, she has NOT figure this out. Lately she’s taken to throwing the BIGGEST fits when she doesn't get her way that include: screams at the top of her lungs, many, many tears, lashing out at mom or dad, and now she’s taken to scratching herself which breaks my heart. I hope this is just a phase and will pass quickly, any tips would be wonderful. It takes quite a few minutes of soothing talk and lots of bear hugs to get her to calm down enough to rationalize with her and get through to her. Other than the occasional tantrum, she is such a lively and joyous little girl. She tags along with Olivia as much as possible and I think it’s going to be a tough transition to have Olivia go to school for her; although, she and Anne are starting to play more together (with fewer altercations) and my hope is that they will grow close when they’re forced to be together =) Jane has been doing well in Primary and is so excited to get to go with Olivia to “her class” and to be a part of singing and sharing time. We’re looking into preschool for her come Fall or a tumbling/gymnastics class to help her with her energy and to give her something to do that is all her own. Books are favorite things to occupy her time when she’s wanting alone time and she’s learning her letters and numbers right along with Olivia. She’s the first one to make us laugh and never seems to run out of energy. She’s often found dancing alongside her two sisters.

Anne Girl, or Annie as her dad and sisters call her, is very quick to copy her sisters and loves to play with them now that she’s able to keep up with them a little better. She has finally gotten her two bottom teeth in, one molar, and her two top teeth are going to pop through anytime, and all of these coming in at once, has made for some sleepless nights and cranky days, but I hope the worst is behind us. Besides the teething, Anne is so loving and gives heaps of kisses and hugs to her whole family, but mostly Dad. She definitely has more diva in her than her two older sisters. Anne is the ultimate accessorizer (it's a word) and loves to pick out her own shoes and clothes already (my other two still don’t do this) and gets pretty riled up when we don’t act on her timetable. Once Peter is home she doesn't let him put her down or out of her sight, and she gets so excited when she hears his keys in the door. Some of her favorite activities are: dancing, dressing up, reading, playing with horses with her sisters, eating, and chattering to herself or anyone that will pay attention to her. She’s great at folding her arms for prayers and has picked up on a few sign language signs to help with communication with her parents. All in all she has definitely made our home a brighter place and we love having her around.

Peter is still Superman in my eyes. I can’t fathom how he does so much for his children and me, while staying on top of his studies and working. How did I get so blessed to have him be my husband? He is really enjoying his classes, and they are really starting to prep them for their clinical and for seeing patients, and Peter is really excited for that to happen this fall. I don’t know if we've mentioned this but, Peter’s been called to be a Family History Consultant in our ward and it has been pretty great to get more involved with that. I've never really gotten into it, and now that I have I’m catching the fire =) He is such a wonderful and patient father to his girls and they just adore him and all of them vie for his attention when he’s home.

I am doing well. The pregnancy is going well and baby girl (who will most likely be named Claire) is doing well and moves around a lot. Being First Counselor in RS has been wonderful for me to get to know more people in the ward and to be able to serve others. And although I feel pretty inadequate, I know that at long as I’m willing, the Lord will help me with the rest. It’s been such a blessing to me and our family to be able to serve the Lord and give back just a little through our perspective callings. I am missing the sun and have struggled to feel at home but I am slowly getting there and hope to overcome my insecurities and struggles.