Life is a Journey...but it isn't always pretty. =)

This past week, Facebook has been showing me a lot of "memories" from a few years, the year we moved to Washington and the year I had Gracie. (Her birth story here) These memories have had be reflecting quite a bit on how far I have come since that time.

I love my spunky Gracie Lu, but there was a time I struggled with her. She was such a colicky baby. Crying on average 6-8 hours a day. The quietest she would get was if I held her, even then she fussed quite a bit. Unfortunately, I was in a new state without family and I hadn't put myself out there enough to make friends and I was so lonely. Sidebar: Ladies, please, please make friends. Step outside your comfort zone and find those gems who will have your back and save you when family isn't available or you're in a new place. I honestly believe I could have done so much better if I had just had more courage.

Anyways, I know now, I developed postpartum depression during this time. Throughout my pregnancy everyone said, "Oh, three is the hardest so having your fourth will be easy!" HA! The fourth was my hardest. Everyone's different. Gracie had jaundice too which meant light therapy for hours where I couldn't hold her the first week of her life. When she was 4 weeks and 5 days old, I got a text from my Dad that my grandpa had passed away. I was devastated. I love that man like a second father and I had prayed and prayed he would live until I could see him one last time in just 2 more weeks. So, Gracie and I got on a plane to his funeral when she was 7 weeks old. The whole trip she was fussy if I didn't hold her or wasn't sleeping. I heard what people said about her and what a difficult baby she was. And I felt like a failure. I was her mother and couldn't comfort her. Failure. The flight home, we made a stop in a tiny town for a quick layover, only to be told we hit a freaking bird and they had to have a mechanic come inspect before we could take off again. We were told to leave everything on the plane, that it wouldn't be too long. *Face PALM!* We were in a tiny airport. One bathroom. For over two hours. Gracie screamed the entire time. Had a blow out. And was inconsolable. I timidly begged a diaper and wipes off a kind couple with a baby about 4 months old. She was so sweet and reassured me, she wasn't as loud as I thought. Those words were a balm. I thanked them and got Gracie changed, and hid back in my corner. I fed her, burped her, swaddled her. Everything I could think of. Two sweet ladies came over and took turns holding her just so I could go to the bathroom (where I may have cried), and another incredible woman bought me some Doritos and a water and brought them to me. I can never see Doritos without thinking of these incredible strangers. Gracie never stopped crying, but they never stopped smiling and encouraging me. Finally, they announced that we had to go grab our carry-ons because they had flown a new plane in for us to ride home. As I was holding her and waiting to carry her out, once again I was saved when another woman stepped toward me arms outstretched and said, "I'm a NICU nurse in Alaska. Let me take her while you grab your things." When I got back, Gracie was sleeping in this woman's arms. I couldn't believe it. She slept the whole way home after that.  I'm crying just typing this.

We need each other. These people, these women who were so kind, compassionate, and empathetic towards me and my situation, saved my life. When I stepped into that little airport, I was at one of the lowest points of my life. The loss of my grandfather, feeling like I couldn't handle being Gracie's mother, and just feeling as if I weren't great at life period, had me in a deep hole. And even though those two hours were hell, by the end, I felt this little spark in my chest. This familiar nudge that I know was from my Savior. He knew my situation, my state of mind and well being, and He sent His earthly angels to comfort and assist His daughter who desperately needed to feel looked after and comforted. A daughter who was doubting her very significance. He saved His child. He saved me by sending them.

Things didn't get better over night. Gracie still cried. But I grabbed onto that nudge and that spark and held on for dear life. I never felt as alone. I knew He was there and that He loved me and had faith in me and my abilities.

I know this is getting long but, if you've made it this far, can you hold on a bit longer? Please, never brush aside a prompting to reach out to another. Whether it be friend, family, or stranger, the Lord may need you to answer their prayer. To save them from their own doubts and fears. To give them hope, courage, and strength to make a flight home to a spouse and children who make them feel safe and whole. That is was those dear strangers did for me.

Lastly, if I could go back to the Heidi then, I would tell myself this: Remember it's okay not to be okay sometimes. Allow yourself the space and time you need to heal yourself become well within your very soul. On the days that you just can't take another step, allow the Savior to carry you. Because He will. Without hesitation. Fall to your knees and pray for the strength and the reassurance to carry on. And when you have the days where you may not feel one ounce of hope or faith in yourself, rely on His love and faith in you, because He has more than enough to get to another day. And turn on the Celtic Pandora channel. =) (For reals though, I LOVE Celtic music! Bet you didn't know that about me.) So, yes, life is a journey, and it isn't always pretty, but we can make it prettier by being His hands for others. I love you my dear, dear friends and I will always be here to cheer you on! XOXO

"No man..."

To be honest, I didn't even hear about the situation in Charlottesville, VA until this evening. I am flabbergasted. Sad. Heartsick. Far too often I get comfortable, too comfortable, with my life and situation. I rarely feel fear because of who I am or what I believe in. Because, let's be honest, I'm a white Mormon woman living in Utah (for the record, I know and understand white Mormon women in Utah do get hurt and feel fear), and some people may say that I don't have the right to say anything, but I want to say what I have been feeling and thinking with the help of others who are more eloquent than I am.

This is NOT okay. I cannot stand by and be silent. Racism does exist. Bigotry does exist. Hatred does exist. We cannot make things better until we accept things need to be changed. I am not here to change anyone's beliefs. I am here simply to put forth some thoughts.

I read this on a dear friend's page about this country that I love and I couldn't agree more: "It's ours. It belongs to all of us. We don't want to "replace" your stories with our stories. We just want all of our stories to be heard and respected. We want justice and fairness to apply to everyone. We want to make this country better TOGETHER."

I implore each of you to take the time to listen to those who are different from you. I promise they don't bite. =) One of the best things that has ever happened to me was Peter getting into grad school in Washington state. I got to meet the most incredible people of different religions or none at all, different sexual orientations, different ethnicity, some immigrants. These people are some of the most kind, loving, selfless, intelligent, humble, hardworking people I know. People who DO live their life in fear. People who can't stop in certain places for gas because of the hatred people have towards their lifestyles. People who are asked, "Who's car is this?" first thing when getting pulled over in their own car because of the color of their skin. Meeting these people has enriched my life. It has also opened my eyes to problems in this world that I have never been exposed to or put much thought towards.

I would also ask that we think before we speak. Racial and religious slurs are offensive, even in joking. Generalizations about religions, identity, or race do not include everyone in that "category". Just be kind for crying out loud.

President Gordon B. Hinckley said, "No man who makes disparaging remarks concerning those of another race can consider himself a true disciple of Christ. Nor can he consider himself to be in harmony with the teachings of the Church of Christ."

These people are our neighbors. Our brothers and sisters. The majority are not looking to change anyone else's lifestyle or beliefs. They want to be heard, accepted, and respected. You don't have to agree with them but you can still be kind and understanding and have conversations and still be friends. And yes, this goes both ways. Both sides need to listen and both sides need to refrain from bulldozing over each other and trying to get them to agree with what they say. It's okay to have different thoughts and opinions. It's what makes things exciting and enriches our lives.

"We should love all people, be good listeners, and show concern for their sincere beliefs. Though we may disagree, we should not be disagreeable. Our stands and communications on controversial topics should not be contentious. We should be wise in explaining and pursuing our positions and in exercising our influence. In doing so, we ask that others not be offended by our sincere religious beliefs and the free exercise of our religion. We encourage all of us to practice the Savior’s Golden Rule: “Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them” (Matthew 7:12).

When our positions do not prevail, we should accept unfavorable results graciously and practice civility with our adversaries. In any event, we should be persons of goodwill toward all, rejecting persecution of any kind, including persecution based on race, ethnicity, religious belief or nonbelief, and differences in sexual orientation." -Elder Dallin H. Oaks

Please, don't let the divisions in this country tear us apart anymore than it already has. Treat each other with respect and kindness. Stand up for those who don't have a voice. Always remember that we are children of God and each person is known and cherished no matter what. May we step out of ourselves and see those around us as our Savior sees them.

I Am As Strong As I Can Be...

Today was a tough day. One of those days where doubt reigned its ugly head and I listened. I listened. And in my mind, I was not enough. For anything or anyone. The darkness of my thoughts were oppressive. Numbing. Paralyzing. Then, I was rescued. I was rescued by people who didn't even know that they were casting lifelines today. But they did, and I am so grateful.

I need to thank so many people who have been carrying me lately. Too many to count. Friends who don't let the words spoken by others take root in my mind. Friends who persevere through times of loss, heartbreak, deployments, sickness, depression, and all their other trials, with smiles on their faces, even when they are hurting and still reaching out to ask how I'm doing. Like they don't have enough going on, haha! Friends who text me out of the blue; especially, friends I don't get to see because of moves. I can't tell you how much I love and miss you. You were my family, my sisters, and support when I was in a new and lonely place and you saved me (like that time when I accidently got pregnant?!). My family for making me laugh, even on the toughest days. My wonderful girls, who forgive me so easily of my shortcomings and never let a day go by without telling me they love me. My Mr. Benson. The man who has stuck by me and lifted me time and time again out of the darkness because he sees me in a light that is so much brighter than I see myself. Peter never gives up on me and I am so grateful for his humor, loyalty, love, and faith. And my Savior. He is the one who dives deepest to find me when there is no hope to be seen. He is always there to give me the love, hope, and strength I need to get to another day.

I am as strong as I can be, but I know it is because of so many of you reading this, that I am here today. That there is always light shining through the clouds of self-doubts and insecurities. You have to know how many times you have carried me along the way. You gave me strength to move forward and continue to progress. The smiles, texts, conversations, messages, hugs, Cinnabon runs, Red Robin dates, CrossFit, and so many little things that may seem so inconsequential to you at the time, have come at crucial times for me and have been answers to desperate prayers of needed strength. I am so bless and thankful for all of you.

So, yes, I made it through another day. I am as strong as I can be because of the strength you have so freely and selflessly given me. I promise my next post will be much more uplifting, but I wanted you all to know how important you are and what a wonderful difference you have made in this girl's life. XOXO