Claire was unexpected. So beyond unexpected. We knew we were going to have another baby, but we had decided to wait until after Peter's graduation to begin trying. We thought getting through the last year of Graduate School would be easier (is there such a thing haha!) without a pregnancy and a newborn. Besides, who has two kids during a master's program? Who does that?! Oh, us.
The day I found out I was pregnant is so very vivid in my mind. I had been feeling unusually tired the last few weeks and wasn't sleeping well; however, I chalked all that up to Peter's 14+ hour days (class, work, seeing clients, and teach online) which left the girls up to me from wake up to bedtime, add in church callings and Olivia's school stuff and I was just tired. Please don't judge me in my weakness. I am fully aware of those parents who do this every single day without fail. Also, I would like to say my husband is a friggin' rock star. He astounds me. He rarely, if ever, complained and when he did, it was over the fact that he missed the girls and me. I love that man. And, the girls missed him too. Fiercely. Anyways, back to finding out. I was still nursing Gracie at the time and had a few pregnancy tests left over from when I found out with her to take randomly since my cycle hadn't regulated yet. That being said, we were so, SO careful not to get pregnant. And since our intimate life is our business, not the world's, I'll leave it at that =) So, I just decided to take a test. A positive test was NOT even a possibility in my mind. Not a chance. The tests were going to expire within the next couple of months so I thought, "What the heck." What the heck, indeed!
Two pink line. TWO FREAKING PINK LINES!! I tried calling Peter. No answer. Probably with a client. So what do I do? I take a picture of that positive test and send it to BFF Lauren. That's right. My peed on stick with the caption: I AM FREAKING OUT!! And I was. Bless her amazing self, she called me right away. So there I sat crying, trying to figure out how I was going to handle this. I didn't even know how far along I was. I was guessing around January 2016. I was afraid to tell Peter. I was afraid to tell anyone. Lauren talked me through the panic and anxiety (and is still my friend after all that) which I am so grateful for because by the time Peter called me back, I didn't immediately break down when I heard his voice. He tells me he had been suspicious I was for a while. Wait, what?! And you didn't say anything? He figured either way he was happy.
So, now for the nitty-gritty. This next part is personal. I am writing it in hopes others may learn and find comfort through my own experiences. I didn't want to be pregnant. I wasn't ready. I didn't want another baby. Not then. I felt angry. I felt unprepared. I felt extremely flustered. And then, I felt guilty. So, so guilty. I have beloved friends and family who are unable to get pregnant who desperately want to have a child of their own. And right around this time, an amazing woman from our ward miscarried. I had a sister-in-law miscarry a few weeks after I found out I was expecting. And another incredible family who lost a baby as well. And then I couldn't stop thinking about all those who struggle with infertility. My guilt, shame, and humiliation were paralyzing. I didn't leave my house for weeks. My friends were texting and worrying and wondering what was going on. Lauren and Peter knew. Eventually, BFF Stephanie decided just to drop by to check up on me. Friends are amazing. Angels on Earth. I broke down almost as soon as she walked in the door. Complete word vomit. All about how I didn't want this, and why was this happening, and all about the guilt. All that guilt and shame. She hugged me and loved me and told me what amazing parents Peter and I are and how lucky this sweet baby was. I get emotional just thinking of what she and Lauren and others did to buoy me up and get me through those dark days. A few days later, BFF Leticia comes by to drop something off. Cue break down. Cue word vomit. I was such a hot mess. My emotions were everywhere. After I told her about feeling so guilty after seeing what a sister was going through with her miscarriage, she stopped me in my tracks. She said, "Don't make this harder by taking on others' trials." I can't tell you the comfort and peace this brought me. Just because I was feeling the way I was about the pregnancy doesn't mean I was wrong. It was just a trial. MY trial. I am so grateful for the ability to carry and birth children. I do not take it for granted or the responsibility lightly. This was so different from my past pregnancies. I was scared. Scared I wasn't going to be enough. Scared of the added strain for Peter. Just, scared. And taking on the trials of loved ones would only make it harder. I couldn't do that to myself, my husband, or my girls. I needed to realize that everything would work out.
I guess I just want to say, it's okay not to be okay sometimes. I think we need a time to mourn when things happen unexpectedly. Mourn the loss of plans. Loss of self--this was a big one for me. I had been working really hard at getting my body back to being strong and in shape. I had lost 15 pounds recently but gained it all quickly back after finding out because of my stress eating (which is for a whole different post) and to just give my body a break; yet, here I was, pregnant with baby number five in seven years. But because of answered prayers through some incredible friends, I was able to pick myself up and find the joy in bringing another sweet baby into our family.
After all of this, I made an appointment with my beloved midwife, Susan. When I went in for my first appointment, I was guess I was 7-9 weeks pregnant based on what I thought was my last cycle. I was 15 weeks along. So, instead of being due in January, I was now due six days before Peter's graduation.
Thank you for sharing this! The funny thing is so often we misjudge each other and on the outside I have looked at your pictures of all of your darling girls and have admired your courage to have so many so close together! Ha! :) I STILL admire you, EVEN MORE SO now having read of your courage share the honesty. I am happy that you are at the point of being okay with not being okay.:) Thank you for your example!
ReplyDelete